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{January 4, 2013}   Narcissistic Mothers X

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Narcissistic mothers are often childish. They make babyish complaints that may sound laughable, but the narcissist is dead serious about them. If you ask her to stop this behavior, she might justify it by pointing out something that you did as a child that she feels is comparable, as though the childish behavior of a child is justification for the childish behavior of an adult. Getting even with you is a large part of her interactions with you. Anytime you fail to give her the deference, attention or service she feels she deserves or if you thwart her wishes, she is determined  to “show you”.  She’s aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask, she demands. She makes outrageous requests and she’ll take whatever she wants if she thinks she can get away with it. Her demands are posed in a very aggressive way, as are her criticisms. She won’t take no for an answer, arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in.

She will manipulate to get money or objects she envies although she hasn’t earned her own money. This includes taking from her children or grandchildren if she has them. If she was set up as trustee for a bank account  for your college, she believes she has the right to withdraw your money, even if she has greater money at her disposal. She may try to deprive you of getting a college education by withdrawing money or hiding the account from you. She may go so far as to forge your signature or violate other laws if she thinks she can get away with it. If she enters into an agreement with you, it is violated the minute it no longer serves her needs.

She shed her responsibilities to you as child as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could at an earlier than usual age. She may have denied you medical care, adequate clothing, necessary transportation or basic comforts that she would never consider giving up for herself.  As a child she may have bought you the cheapest clothing she could without embarrassing herself. If you got a job as a teenager, requests for school supplies, clothing or toiletries were met with “Now that you’re making money, you can pay for that yourself.”  Despite the fact that she may never have worked a job herself,  she criticizes you and implies that you’re lazy if you ever find yourself unemployed.

She gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been made a caregiver for young siblings while she goes shopping or to the beauty shop. You may have had responsibility for tasks beyond your age. Any mistakes you made caused enormous eruptions of rage. You were not allowed to be needy or have problems. Those experiences were only for her, and if things were not right for her, you were responsible. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry or felt that life was unfair to her. It made her feel better to hurt you so she would not have to own her unpleasant feelings. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her unhappiness on you.

Sometimes the narcissist will exploit a child to absorb punishment that would have been hers for behavior like overspending on a credit card, having an affair or lying to her husband. She may complain to him and to others about a child’s bad behavior so the rage will be vented to the child and attention is diverted from her misdeeds. Sometimes the narcissistic mother uses the child to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative would be getting divorced, being alone with children or having to go to work–things she will avoid at any cost.

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