daughtersofnormabates











{December 13, 2012}   Narcissistic Mothers, Part VII

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She’s self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are very important; yours are insignificant to the point that her least whim takes precedence over your most basic needs. Her problems deserve your immediate and full attention; yours are brushed aside. Her wishes always take precedence; if she does something for you, she reminds you constantly. She will complain constantly, even though your situation may be much worse than hers. If you point that out, she will thoughtlessly brush it aside.

She is insanely defensive and sensitive to any criticism. If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage, destroy and may become violent, beating, confining, putting her child outdoors in bad weather or otherwise engaging in classic physical abuse.

She terrorizes you and others. For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of controlling the victim, and your narcissistic mother used it to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is to constantly placate her. If you give her everything she wants at all times, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still have that learned fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with silence or a look that tells you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even. Not all narcissists abuse physically, but many do, often in subtle, deniable ways. It allows them to vent their rage at you for not being the solution to their internal havoc. Her explosions of rage and violence also teaches you to fear them. You may not have been beaten, but you were almost likely left to endure physical pain when a normal mother would have made an effort to relieve your misery. This deniable form of battery allows her to store up her rage and dole out the punishment at a later time when she’s thought of an airtight rationale for her abuse. She cannot risk exposure. Narcissistic mothers also abuse by encouraging others to attack you or by failing to protect you when a normal mother would have. Sometimes the narcissist’s golden child will be encouraged to abuse the scapegoated child. But that’s not all. Narcissists also abuse by exposing you to violence. If one of your siblings got beaten, she made sure you either saw it or heard it. That way she put the fear of Mother into you.

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